I recently looked for an image on one of the stock image websites that would portray a parent talking to a child. Interestingly, most of the ones I found pictured a mother bending over her child shaking a finger in his face. That’s not exactly what I had in mind. Why do we always think that talk between a parent and a child is about a child listening while the parent talks (or lectures)?
Communication is two way for both sides
Talking together involves listening and talking by both parties. That seems obvious, but in parent-child communication, there is often much parent talk and little child listening. That’s right. Children and teens soon learn to tune out a parent who talks more than his or her share. The result is a parent talking with no one listening.
Four tips to get kids talking more and listening better
- Let there be silence. Learn to be comfortable with little silence spaces after you or your child has spoken. Sometimes kids need time to gather courage to speak from their hearts.
- Use some space fillers. Little words like “Well,” “Oh,” and “Okay” allow time for the child or teen to plan his words or to evaluate what she heard.
- Listen well. Instead of thinking what you will say next, really concentrate on what your child is saying. Try to figure out the meaning behind what you are hearing. (“I don’t want to try out for the team” may actually mean, “I am afraid that if I try out, I may not make the team.”
- Say it once. When we say something several times, we are training our kids to tune us out.
Communication is so important that we should all make the effort to do a better job of it. It is a great tool for getting our kids through the tough teen years. As incredible as it might seem, if they can talk to you and trust you, you will be their first choice of a confidant.
May 5, 2012 at 4:14 pm
My husband and I have always tried to have outings with our boys. Our purpose is not only to have fun but to provide opportunities for communication. As our sons are growing older, they are losing interest in going since it means giving up time with friends.
If we invite friends along on the outings, do you think this will still accomplish the goal of “quality time” with a parent? I am thinking that if they have fun with one of us during the day, they would be more likely to spend time sharing what is on their mind later at home after the friends are gone.
What are your thoughts?
May 8, 2012 at 9:10 pm
There’s that age when peer group is the most important, so why not include their friends most of the time? It seems that kids listen better when peers are around because they are evaluating you through their peers eyes (just like they evaluate their peers through your eyes). I’d say give it a try and see what results.
The important thing is being a living example of what you want to teach. Few words are good. If parents use all their time alone with the kids to impart great wisdom, they might begin to avoid those times alone. (too much information)
You sound like you’ve established good communication with your kids, so this is probably not a problem.
Let me know how it goes taking along the friends.